The Day I Grew a Tail

A very wise lady told me that it takes 12 months to grieve before you can start on the road to healing. I think she might be right. 

Twelve months allows for - "this time last summer, this time last birthday, this time last year...." where every memory is a painful one because it was the last "time" with someone special who is no longer there. Twelve months is enough time to go through the five stages of grieving. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression and finally, acceptance. 

This time last year I started along my road of the grieving process. Waking up to a missed call, listening to my voicemail with an urgent message to call back, and finally making that call to learn that my beautiful friend was gone. This moment is frozen - one of those moments in your life where you will always remember where you were and what you were doing when you learnt the news. I was still in bed and it was a Sunday morning, my chest felt tight, I couldn't breath and I had to give the phone to my husband, I couldn't bear to hear the details. It hurt my heart. I cried deeply until there was nothing. 

The days that followed are a blur of nothing. The weeks became clearer and the months became kinder as I started to process and realise I would never see, hear, sing with, dance with, sms, email, laugh with (and at) my friend. We would never again sneak out for a chai latte and walk around the block chatting about our travels, lives and loves. We would never again have our little "in" jokes together and laugh hysterically at nothing. He will never call me at random times just to see how I am doing. No more lychee lollies and chrysanthemum tea. No more anything. 

I've accepted that he's gone, and yet I feel him with me all the time. 

My birthday was last week and he was there with me, with every glass of wine, sake and espresso martini. When it was time to leave the celebrations and collect my son from school camp, I jumped in a taxi and looked at my phone messages. He was always the first to send me a birthday mesage, sometimes he sang on my voicemail. I had a little "cry" in the taxi which surprised me, it was the first time in months that it hurt to think of him. The tears didn't last long, but I knew I had to wash my face before standing in the playground with the other parents, so I detoured into the local pub to use their facilities. 

On leaving the bathroom, I noticed people looking at me but dismissed it as being paranoid re the afternoon birthday martinis. We (my husband and I) walked the three blocks to the school and I still felt something or someone with me - following closely behind. It was such a weird feeling and I couldn't quite work out what it was. We reached the playground with plenty of time before the kids bus arrived back and that's when I saw my shadow - and what had been following me from the pub. 

Six metres of a toilet paper tail tucked into my stockings. **

Thats when I laughed, and I felt him beside me laughing as well. 

I miss you Whitey. Every. Single. Day. 

L xx

** Disclaimer - I am known to exxagerate. It wasn't 6 metres, probably no more than 3.5m.